Krazy Kiyone
by Mike Fenton
Summary: Kiyone as Mihoshi's crazy partner.


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Krazy Kiyone

[Disclaimer: Tenchi Muyo! and its characters are the property of AIC and Pioneer LDC, Inc. and was created by Masaki Kajishima. This story comes entirely from my imagination, and is strictly intended to be apocryphal--so please don't sue me.]

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Chapter 1: The Errand

AN EARLY-MORNING SIGH of disgust came _a cappella_ from Tenchi as he looked out his window over the balcony of his spacious third-floor bedroom.

"Damn," he muttered. "I really need to get out and have some fun."

He could hear some shrill voices—the _devil-woman_ and _that princess_. Naturally, they were fighting. _I wonder what they fight about?_ he asked himself. _Not that it matters_, he answered himself. _Those two are so impossible! How I put up with them—!_

"Tenchi..." came his father's voice. "I need you to go run an errand."

He sighed again. _Another errand. What else?_

_Oh well_, he told himself. _It's better than listening to that racket. Maybe this 'll be fun._

***

As Tenchi strolled down the front stairway to the foyer, he happened to notice Mihoshi, talking with Sasami.

"I wasn't eavesdropping," Sasami explained. "I was just resting against the door."

"Oh, right—" Mihoshi snorted.

Little Sasami gaped, prettily, and looked up. "Hello, Tenchi."

Mihoshi gaped, vacantly, and added, "Good morning, Tenchi. Isn't it a lovely day?"

Tenchi absently frowned for a moment, then said, politely, "Oh... he, he, yeah." He began scratching his head nervously—an old habit he was aware of, but nonetheless could never refrain from making.

"You are a liar!" came an angry accusation from the pretty, wafer-thin princess.

"I tell you," answered the well-curved, spiky-haired devil-woman, "You are so wrong!"

Tenchi looked down, stopping in his descent for a moment to notice that Ayeka and Ryoko were approaching from the hallway. Ryoko was floating, her tail twitching like an irritated cat. Tenchi flinched in anticipation and began to hurry down the stairs again.

Ryoko suddenly appeared in front of him, her tail suddenly wagging like a retarded puppy. "Tenchi, my love," she said, saucily, fingering his chest. "Who's right? I said that bus schedule was green—she said it was really blue. Really! A blue bus schedule? What kind of nonsense is that?"

Ayeka tugged on his arm, suddenly insisting, "Green? How can you confuse green for blue! It's absurd! Really, Ryoko! You need to have your eyes checked."

Ryoko yanked him the other way. "What difference does it make? It's not like you earn your keep around here. What do you care what a bus schedule looks like? I say you should have your brain examined!"

Tenchi rolled his eyes, supremely annoyed, as Little Washu suddenly appeared behind both of them. "Forget a bus schedule, Tenchi! What you need is a motorized flying carpet." She brandished a roll of cloth in his face. "Now, this baby will go from zero to sixty in two-point-four seconds."

On and on, it went, as Tenchi sighed. He'd lose track, of course. A young man with a more temperamental disposition might have exploded with annoyance or played along with one of them just to shut them up, but Tenchi was not that way. Somewhere in his heart, he always found a way to give them room, and just say _all right... Fine... Just let them be that way_.

He'd look around, and notice Mihoshi staring vacantly—apparently unobservant, but always absorbing—like a machine. Then he would notice the pretty little Sasami—staring with half naive wonder and half amused sympathy... A disconcerting contradiction among a mass of contradictions that defined the little princess. Her gaze, he avoided most of all.

"Oh, uh," he said, hurriedly. "Sorry, but I've got to run. I've got an errand. Bye!"

***

As Tenchi approached the gate of the surrounding fence, he took a bicycle and strolled through. He tried not to notice the two log-like, Juraian guardians—Azaka and Kamidake. He strolled past, and they greeted him. He politely returned a greeting and was about to mount the bike when he looked down, pleasantly surprised. 

"Oh, Ryo-Ohki," he said. "Nice to see you, this morning."

At his feet was a curious creature—half cat and half something he wasn't sure he wanted to know. He sincerely hoped it was something like a rabbit. Ryo-Ohki's love of carrots seemed to support that theory, and that was good enough for him...

Ryo-Ohki meowed in her curious way, evidently making a kind of greeting. He picked her up and petted her for a moment, charmed by her precociously exotic nature. "Hey there, girl. You keep an eye on the others, okay? Make sure nothing happens to them. I'm counting on you."

As he set her down, Ryo-Ohki looked up at him reassuringly for a moment, then scurried along toward the house. It never seemed to bother him that the creature always seemed to know what he was saying. It didn't even bother him that his peculiar request was met with such humanoid-like certainty. Tenchi was as sure of her as he was of his own right arm.

Tenchi rolled along on his bicycle, a very light and airy mood in his heart.

***

Later that morning, he was returning with a few books and a bag of greeting cards when he looked up and noticed a shooting-star. At least, that's what it appeared to be.

To his horror, the star turned in a rather nauseating manner and came directly toward him.

"Oh, no!" he exclaimed grimly, peddling faster.

Several explosions lifted earth and dust into the air all around him, and he could almost swear he heard some goofy laughter. The bike underneath him twisted like a thing possessed and threw him—tolerating his abusing peddling no longer.

As Tenchi flew toward the ground, he spun a little sideways—trying not to notice that the star was actually some machine that looked very familiar...

He yelled, unable to contain himself as he rolled along the path. Bruised and shaken, but otherwise in perfect condition, he lifted himself and gently raised his wounded bike. It was dented and not as proud a conveyance as before, but it would continue to ride. He found his books and bag, and he grimly rolled down the path once again.

As he biked along, he could not help but imagine that Ryoko had spent the morning drinking, and then hijacked Mihoshi's Galaxy Police cruiser for a little joy-ride.

Thus, he began to mutter, "Ryoko... What the hell were you thinking?"

****

Chapter 2: A Watery Encounter

Ryoko had indeed spent the morning drinking—but her sake ministrations were spent in the loving embrace of a pool within the mysterious floating hot springs. She brazenly leaned back and closed her eyes, making certain with one hand of her platter of sake bottles.

Just as she was about to hit the bombs-away threshold, she was annoyed to discover the entryway opening. The gangly form of the Juraian princess appeared shadowy in the entrance for a moment, clothed in requisite towel. Ryoko's annoyance turned to amusement, as Ayeka nearly tripped over her own feet, then slowed to a proper pace.

Ayeka briefly deigned to notice Ryoko, then found a pool in a more secluded part of the _onsen_. Ayeka returned briefly to abscond with one of Ryoko's bottles of sake.

It was like a dance, of course. One of them would make some presumption, like an invitation. The other would retaliate, and so on. They were like two kittens batting each other about the muzzles with padded paws—their quips and jibes like playful scratching and biting. 

To refuse such an invitation would be an insult, because it would allow an uncomfortable window of misinterpretation to open—a rather kinky one that neither one would allow without a well-thrown fist to the face.

The only question was how to retaliate. Ryoko, a creature sensitive to the demands of irony and poetic justice, would retaliate in the most appropriate manner she could conceive. With this lofty goal in mind, she subsequently discovered Ayeka's chosen retreat and dumped a bottle of sake on her head. She cackled briefly and made a witty remark:

"Want some more? I think I have a few more bottles..."

Ayeka was about to make some witty retort when she gasped and hid herself with her hands—although still wrapped in a towel.

Ryoko, seemingly unaware of her nakedness, looked around casually to discover that the entryway was opening. She scowled a bit in annoyance and flickered into a realm of teleportation—not far from where one goes when bombed by sake.

Mihoshi appeared in the entrance, covered decently by a towel, as well. She looked down and discovered the platter of sake bottles, and was about to make off with one when a loud explosion shook through the floating complex. Mihoshi nearly keeled over from the trembling of the ground floating beneath her feet, and looked up to see Ryoko.

Ryoko looked alarmed and a little taken aback that suspicious eyes were turning her way. She pouted a bit, as if to suggest that a beautiful, naked, floating woman was above reproach. She then flickered back into her realm, to investigate this mysterious occurrence.

Ayeka, more alarmed than Ryoko, fled from the pools, out the entrance. Mihoshi stared after Ayeka for a few moments, then entered the pools. She sighed and got comfortable.

Mihoshi was about to take some sake for herself when Ryoko appeared again and took the platter, immediately disappearing with the bottles. Mihoshi sighed in disappointment and returned to her relaxing.

***

Ryoko reappeared—almost decently dressed, in her battle uniform—at the edge of a crater nearby. She looked down into the end of the huge smoky footprint to see a battered and scarred chunk of gleaming metal. What might have once been a spacecraft was clearly nothing more than heaps of junk.

A figure in a GP uniform crawled out from under the wreckage, moaning softly. As Ryoko looked on in nothing short of amazement, the figure staggered on all fours to the edge of the crater and stood, swaying a bit.

The figure nearly fell back into the crater, but Ryoko caught it by the shoulder. The figure then grasped Ryoko's arm, gratefully, and went to a nearby tree.

Ryoko pondered, perhaps thinking that the figure merely needed to rest under a tree, as the figure stood next to the tree—as if to hear some scandalous rumor. The figure braced itself stiffly and then swiftly hit the tree with its shoulder, producing a soft and mournful-sounding click.

Witnessing this with wide-eyed amusement, Ryoko suddenly flinched in sympathy to see the figure testing its shoulder, then removing the helmet. The figure was a fairly attractive—but somewhat ordinary—looking woman with a sheepish look, greenish raven hair and a rather jaded, devil-may-care smirk.

She looked down, rubbing her shoulder, and coughed a few times.

Ryoko seemed about to ask something, but the figure raised her hands in caution, saying softly, "No, no, no. Don't say anything. It'll spoil the surprise."

"Surprise?" Ryoko wondered.

The figure looked up at the floating hot springs and gestured. "That's Mihoshi up in there, right?"

"Yeah," Ryoko replied. "So?"

The figure smiled, grimly, and rubbed her hands."That's terrific," she added softly. "She'll just freak out. I know."

Ryoko looked somewhat torn, in spite of herself. She seemed to be pondering whether to feel curious or cautious.

***

Mihoshi sleepily relaxed in the pools, as the figure emerged through the entrance, very swiftly. The figure quickly put Mihoshi in a headlock, holding her tight.

"I've got a vicious criminal, here!" the figure declared. "Don't move, or I'll hit you with the stun gun!"

Ryoko looked on, vaguely amazed, as the figure held a squirming Mihoshi at the edge of the pool. The figure laughed and continued laughing as Mihoshi shrieked and broke the hold.

"That's not very funny!" Mihoshi protested. "You could really hurt someone doing that!"

The figure cackled with laughter as Ryoko approached, very confused, but amused. She gestured and asked, "Hey, Mihoshi. Who is this fruitcake?"

Mihoshi glared at the figure for a moment, then rubbed her neck, explaining, "Oh, that's just Kiyone."

"Anyone I should know?" Ryoko wondered.

"Just my old partner," Mihoshi added. "She's always pulling stunts like this—"

"Old partner!" Kiyone objected. "I'm still your partner, you nitwit!"

"No, you're not!" Mihoshi protested. "I went solo when I got demoted for this reassignment. I don't need a partner—and I'd have to be crazy to want you for a partner!"

"Oh, come on," Kiyone chided her. "One little mishap, and I'm branded for life..."

"Forget it!" Mihoshi shrieked.

"Mishap?" Ryoko asked Kiyone.

"Yeah," Kiyone explained. "Some virus escaped from a lab, and Mihoshi went ballistic. So, I kept it a secret for a little while... Big deal!"

"We were in quarantine for months!" Mihoshi complained. "No way, am I your partner again!"

Kiyone chuckled, "She always says that. I just love working with Mihoshi. She has such a zest for life."

"I'm lucky to be alive!" Mihoshi said. "You're suicidal, Kiyone."

"Only if the shrink ever finds out," Kiyone added, smoothly.

Mihoshi scowled, determined, as Kiyone smiled—a little sardonically. Mihoshi complained, "You remember what happened to your last partner?"

"Do I ever..." Kiyone trembled in feigned disgust.

Ryoko blinked and looked back and forth between the two, suddenly wondering which one was more annoying. 

****

Chapter 3: A Nice, Quiet Dinner

Mihoshi was clearly more annoyed around the table, when Kiyone kept insisting that she was innocent of anything untoward that morning.

"No, no," Kiyone explained. "There was some instrumentation failure. My finger got stuck on the trigger."

"That was you?" Tenchi exclaimed, surprised.

"Wha—?" Kiyone wondered, unaware of her confession.

"I told you," Ryoko snapped. "I always get blamed when anything goes wrong. Who comes to the rescue, whenever someone gets in trouble, huh? Me!"

Kiyone chuckled, waving her hands. "No, wait a minute. It wasn't instrument failure—it was a fire in the cockpit. I was trying to put it out, and all hell was breaking loose."

Sasami smirked, indulgently. Ayeka rolled her eyes as Ryoko and Tenchi glared at Kiyone, a little venomously.

"An earthquake?" Kiyone offered.

This admission made Sasami gasp, briefly, then start roaring with laughter. Ayeka could hardly suppress a smirk of her own. Mihoshi's frown turned dark, like she was deeply mortified. She merely glanced at Kiyone with annoyance, and Kiyone relented.

"All right, all right," Kiyone admitted. "It was me. Hey, I was just having fun. My finger really did get stuck on the trigger, though."

Tenchi narrowed his eyes, and frowned. "Somehow, I doubt that."

Sasami took a moment between her bouts of laughter to offer a thought, "I could just see you, Kiyone. 'Now, how do you lift those flaps, again? Oh, damn! My finger is stuck!'" She continued howling in laughter. Ryoko smiled, then started to chuckle, as well. Ayeka grimaced, nearly laughing herself, then chided them.

"Really," Ayeka protested, "this is very rude of you, Sister. That devil-woman has been giving you bad habits."

Sasami calmed for a moment, looking somewhat apologetic. "Oh, sorry, Ayeka. Just having fun."

Tenchi suddenly smiled and added, "Yeah, Sasami. Don't be rude. Anyway, she'd have probably said, 'Take that, bicycle-boy! Oh no! My finger is stuck! Argh!'" Tenchi began chuckling, and suddenly Sasami and Ryoko howled in laughter. Inexplicably, Kiyone joined in the laughter, as if to suggest the plausibility of this scenario.

Mihoshi sighed, a curiously serious look on her face, as she considered all this amusement. That Sasami would be its chief instrument seemed to confound her the most, because you could almost see a hint of disappointment on Mihoshi's face as she glanced back and forth between Sasami and Kiyone.

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Chapter 4: The Messy Aftermath

Sasami and Mihoshi were left to clean up the dishes, as usual. Sometimes, Tenchi would help—other times, the combination of these two would be even too much for his gentle disposition, and he would skulk off to do some other, more 'serious' chore or two.

There could hardly be a more serious chore than watching the moon, sweeping up cherry blossoms or indulging Ryoko and Ayeka's playful fisticuffs—unless you saw the look in Sasami's eyes that suggested that more than just a little girl was expecting you to help out.

Therefore, so inclined, Tenchi took up his standard position as master of the towel while Sasami washed, and Mihoshi rinsed.

It seemed a little awkward, with most of the kitchen crammed into one corner—the sink, the range and a plate rack right next to each other with a cutting board in between. The three were accustomed to this arrangement, standing shoulder-to-shoulder to work in tandem.

Quite unexpectedly, Kiyone stood at the entrance to the kitchen, rubbing her shoulder. The others looked around at her in some surprise, as Kiyone scowled in pain and strolled casually toward them.

"Hey, guys," she said, softly, "I just wanted to say... Thanks, for helping out, this morning... I lost control there right before I slammed into the ground."

"You lose control a little faster than that," Mihoshi corrected. "We nearly crashed so many times, I lost count."

"Yeah," Kiyone agreed, smilingly, "but I always took the pilot's seat."

"Only because you always took it from me," Mihoshi shot back.

"You really think I'm a bad pilot?" Kiyone wondered.

Sasami gaped in curious wonder, as Mihoshi frowned. Tenchi simply pondered, unable to consider a comment.

"Oh, who am I kidding?" Kiyone admitted. "You're right. I stink at flying. You were always better, Mihoshi. You just fly way too damn slow!"

"No, I don't!" Mihoshi protested.

Kiyone merely chuckled, looking at Tenchi, a little curiously. Tenchi was a little flustered, perhaps thinking that an adult had suddenly started playing in their little sandbox.

"Hey," Kiyone directed herself to Tenchi, "I hope I didn't bruise you too bad, this morning. I like to play a little rough, though."

"It was nothing," Tenchi dismissed, a little awkwardly.

"No, no," Kiyone corrected, "I was way out of line. I wouldn't be surprised if you were angry with me."

"Really," Tenchi insisted. "It was just a few dents and scratches. Nothing to apologize about."

Mihoshi looked warningly at Tenchi as Sasami suddenly started to frown, a little confused.

"Come on," Kiyone protested, "I want you to do something. Punch me, kid. Just hit me right here..." She offered her other shoulder.

Mihoshi muttered to herself as Sasami suddenly smiled and said, "Do it, Tenchi. Hit her really hard!"

Kiyone chuckled as Tenchi frowned, refusing to oblige Kiyone's request. She then proclaimed, "Hey. I like this guy. He's pretty cool, huh?"

"Tenchi is mine," Mihoshi warned her. "So, just back off."

Sasami rolled her eyes as Tenchi scratched his head, suddenly very awkward.

Kiyone grinned as she considered. "Really?" she wondered. Kiyone then stood behind them and added, "Funny, but I'd swear that Tenchi was looking at Ryoko kinda like they were closer. You sure he's yours?"

Mihoshi scowled, fretting, as Sasami explained, "Tenchi's just a little shy. He doesn't want to admit it, but he likes all of us, equally."

To this, Kiyone couldn't help but laugh a little. "Equally, huh? I can go along with that." She began rubbing his shoulders, and Tenchi flinched a little—very uncomfortable. "Well, I'm a terrific masseuse, Tenchi. I can just make all your worries melt away."

"Stop that!" Mihoshi barked, pushing Kiyone away. "You know how you are with men, Kiyone."

Kiyone suddenly frowned, darkly. "What do you mean by that?"

"You have a lot of experience, Kiyone—" Mihoshi explained, "and it's not all that good."

Kiyone flinched, like she was just slapped, and looked down. "You really shouldn't talk about that, Mihoshi. You know I'm still not over the first one."

Sasami looked at Mihoshi disapprovingly, then at Tenchi and Kiyone. "You sure you two are partners?" Sasami asked. "You don't seem to get along very well."

"Well," Kiyone replied, "having a partner wasn't my idea. The chiefs insisted, at first. Now that I actually like working with her, they do nothing but figure out little excuses to keep us apart. It's pretty pathetic. I've had better partners."

"Too bad they could never find all the pieces of your last one," Mihoshi quipped.

Kiyone smiled, grimly. "That girl was all thumbs, anyway."

Tenchi sighed and suddenly offered, "There's no need to be embarrassed, Kiyone. We all understand if you've had problems in the past. I just wish I could sympathize more."

"Really?" Kiyone asked, a little disbelieving.

Mihoshi sighed and admitted, "Yeah, it's okay, Kiyone. I'm sorry if I brought up a painful subject for you. It's okay, though. I don't think any of us scorn your previous tragedies. Really."

Kiyone considered the serious expressions on their faces and went right back to her devil-may-care smirk again. "Oh..." she merely stated, and then casually added, "I'll just borrow your cruiser, Mihoshi. I need to go make a report, you know."

Mihoshi gasped and protested, "Oh, no you don't!"

Kiyone chuckled and left the kitchen in a bit of a rush, Mihoshi suddenly chasing after.

Sasami turned to Tenchi and said, sighing, "You know, Tenchi, I like Kiyone. She's not as smart as Mihoshi, but she's a lot more fun."

"Yeah," Tenchi admitted, a little paradoxically, "that's what I'm afraid of." He then sighed, and took up the rinsing, right where Mihoshi left off.

THE END


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